ourLilyTree: Letters to Rowan

I decided this is a better format for letters...

10-4-11
Dear Rowan,
We get to take you home today- and I think reality is finally setting in for me. I'm so scared to go to a place that was once... just home, I guess, now that we're all so different. I am not scared I won't know how to take good care of you, or what to do when you are fussy...
I guess I'm not too sure exactly how I feel. I'm just having a hard day today, Rowan, and I sure don't want it to affect you.
I don't know how to go back to normal anymore...
but as always, I love you so much.

Love, Mommy

9-29-11
Dear Rowan,
I just wanted to tell you how nice it was to see you today. I say that because, although I've been with you the past week, I don't feel like we've really connected- You've been so groggy and tired and sick. Today, though, you woke up and smiled your big, toothy grin at me and I got so emotional. I can't believe how much I've missed you. You're such a good little soul, Rowan and you sure do light up my life. I even got a giggle out of you today!
You were almost asleep when I had to leave- getting sleepy from more medicine. But, my dear, your little smile is staying with me and, I think, has moved me more then I ever knew it could.
Today's a good day.
I love you so much.

Love, Mommy

9-23-2011
Dear Rowan,

It's been three days since we found out you were sick. I've wanted to write to you, but haven't really known what I wanted to say. Now I think I know.

I love you so very much, my dear. I want you to know that your daddy and I have committed ourselves to you and to your sister-and that we will do anything we are able to do to make your life happy and comfortable. This past week you haven't really been yourself. You aren't smiling and you aren't talking like you used to. You have lots of seizures, which are taking all of your strength. You aren't looking me in the eyes and I miss that so much, Rowan. I miss you.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I'm sorry for the life you won't get to see and experience. I'm so sorry for what you had to go though this week at the hospital and I'm sorry for how you're feeling right now. It must be so hard for you.

Your sister is so young she doesn't know you're sick. She will, though, soon enough and I worry how that will affect her. But she loves you so very much and I know she wants you to be happy and to feel better.

Oh Rowan, I wish I could fix your little head- and that would fix my broken heart.

I love you so much.

Love, Mommy.

8-07-2011
Dear Rowan,
I have wanted to write to you to tell you just how much I love you and how special you are to your daddy and me. I found some pictures and wanted to show them to you. There are some of the day you were born and of all the people that love you more than they can express.
You are the sweetest baby I've ever met. You are so laid back. You love to smile, and when you do it melts my heart.
You have two bottom teeth and should get your top ones soon enough. You know how to roll over, but don't very often at all. Why? Because you're a chunk!
I took you to the doctor on Sunday and you weighed 19 lb. 14 oz. I'm so glad you're healthy... You light up a room, Rowan, and seem to make everyone around you relax. There is no way for me to put into words just how much I love you, but know that I do, my dear. I will love you forever and ever.

Love, Mommy.